Canadian Election Update #1
Thought I’d go Guardian-like with a “What we know So Far” the sort thing they use for live updates when there’s a terror attack.
London Eye Terror Attack, What We Know So Far:
21 Dead 40 Injured 3rd bomb defused.
Suspect bought two croissants at Ladurée just minutes before
The Canadian Election: What We Know So Far:
Our Prime Minister wants to be black. Unfortunately he didn’t choose that route in his explanation because we're too racist to understand why a white man would want to be black. His apology turned out be bit of a fudge as it emerged he had a history of doing this (as pointed out in my blog that no one reads, it’s his schtick).
In the blink of an eye, The Amazing Race Canada jettisoned their current program to follow the mad rush to find more recent pictures of Trudeau in full black body. Because we all know this didn’t end in 2001.
You can see where this is heading, another one or two pics and he’ll be teetering on the brink, with the final twist of the knife, a reveal of something darker in his past. With all that privilege and entitlement, there has to be something lurking.
While Canada has co-opted American culture and norms around race, it may come as a surprise that we are a different country and do not have the same cultural reference points and therefore, understanding.
It shouldn’t be too hard to imagine Canada as a different country, after all, outside of a cold front on a weather map you’ve never heard of us before we elected a hot prime minister (bet you didn’t think we’d fuck him like this). Brits only know us through Brexit and the Canada-style deal they want. You know, the one where Canada unilaterally walks away from all its deals with the US only to renegotiate worse ones.
Imagine us an island nation, then.
If you’ve been drilled that the only reference point for dressing in blackface is racist and directly related to minstrels, let me shock you. For the record my recommendation to white people is to walk on hot coals and then just stand on them for three hours before attempting a Trudeau. There's a fine line between something coming from a place of love and joy to mocking, even if you’re capable of discerning between the two.
But, if we are all agreed we should have known decades ago that dressing up in blackface was wrong, even if it’s part of a character, why in 2019 can I buy a packet of minstrels?
Come again? You say.
Yes, Minstrels, small, round (like smarties but bigger) pieces of brown-coated chocolate.
It’s not to demonstrate hypocrisy (although it could) but cultural differences and misunderstanding. But what’s there to misunderstand in the name, minstrel? These are in no way, shape, form, or colour, related to the medieval minstrel.
Chocolate minstrels are far more common in the UK than Canada, but you can buy them at Walmart in Canada. You may have thought a US corporation would know better.
Minstrels are made by Galaxy, which is owned by Mars, Inc. You may have heard of them. They’re a large US corporation.
Meanwhile in Canada, droves of people will not vote for Trudeau (the Liberal Party) because he has become a laughing stock around the world for trying to be too black. There are reasons not to vote for him and his party, but that’s the racist one.
Who will we vote for?
Well, it’s looking like a homophobic man who hasn’t heard of family planning. He has five kids and won’t apologize for his past, offensive comments. He does smile, though, so bless him. He’s pretty much his own emoji. Why did Conservatives choose him? Because he's younger (40) than Trudeau, smiles (a lot) and the other leading candidate was a basket case, now proved by his verbal assaults on a 16 year-old environmentalist for her Asperger’s.
Andrew Scheer is his name and by the looks of one of his ads, lives in a gated community except it seems the gates have been suspiciously removed.
Why am I so certain we’ll vote for him and not Jagmeet Singh (a Sikh)?
Err, haven’t I proved we’re racist?
And as I’m the only one who’ll vote green, why even go there.
Of course it should be about parties and policies and not just leaders, but so far policy has been reduced to who has the best cell phone plan. Yes, the world is going to hell in a hand basket and this is what they’ve offered. Welcome to Canada, unless you’re Lacey Evans.